Loves. 

        

I love going to antique shops. I love when I get lots done. I love gettin the $$.  I love being the perfect temperature. I love when I’m not sick or achey. I love when I do good with directions. I love when someone gets my jokes. I love when I am understood. I love when I feel safe. 

People have been mean extra lately so I’m going to focus on love and try to only act if love is behind it. ❤️ I appreciate kindness even more lately, sometimes I don’t even know how to respond to it. 

What do you love lately? 

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Winning. 

Ways I’m winning: 
I had a job interview in which I wasn’t treated well but I handled it well and politely. 
Having mega body issues lately so I’m trying to embrace the way I am right now. 
Applying for an apartment that could be promising and if not I have other big plans. 
Been working on the biggest painting I’ve ever done and it’s almost finished. 
I’ve stopped thinking everyone around me hates me or maybe I just stopped caring. 
Letting go of guilt from cutting out toxic people. 
Received a package from Japan from my sister. 
Someone I admire said something sweet about me. 

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Enemies. 

  

“May my enemies live long so they can see me progress.” 

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Taking it back. 

                    Keep going, power through. Prove yourself wrong. Or die. It doesn’t matter but you still can rise above these ashes. Fuck those who have abused you they will get theirs. 

I really am capable of anything I set my mind to. And I do realize I’ve been through such shit but I’m ready to take things back for me. I’m ready to make things good and be brave enough to find happiness again. I’m too fab for this. 
Dear me, Do things for you and improve you. It’s not your responsibility to take care of anyone but you. Be kind. Be a bad bitch.
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Do not erase me.

This quote made me feel so many things. It may or may not have made me cry shhh.
I will never stop coming out. I am tired like so many other bisexual/queer/pansexual individuals of my identity being erased. Being queer is who I am and who I’ll always be. If I’m in a relationship with a man I am still not straight. If I am in a relationship with a woman I’m not suddenly a lesbian. Please stop erasing us. We exist. This is who I am.
I have to deal with these prejudices too growing up is so hard when everyone is judgmental around you. My heart goes out to everyone else that grew up in the lgbtqa community.
We need to keep working towards making safe spaces and supporting each other. ❤️

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There is good.

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Focus on the good even when everything has seemingly gone to shit. You’ll look back and laugh.
Even when people are rude to me in pubic even when they yell things at me when I get out of the car. I’d rather be hated for who I am and I’m trying not to let that negativity get to me because I know it has nothing to do with me really.

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To be honest.

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I hate that I can’t be normal sometimes. I don’t like to stand out but I must be true to myself. I’m tired of being belittled but I suppose it comes with the territory of being genuine. And I actually like that about myself. Maybe I come off as rude sometimes but I’m honest and I wouldn’t change that about myself.
I’m trying to be better with being honest with my feelings. I’ve never been one to open up so it’s very difficult for me.
I’ve been through so much anxiety and depression that I’m starting to not know what to do next. I’ve tried everything and it still feels like my heart is being squeezed.
If I’m ever only depressed I feel relieved because feeling nothing is better than feeling everything sometimes. The anxiety makes me so afraid, I have a nightmare almost every time I sleep.
I’ve had so many set backs this year that I feel like the road to recovery is just getting longer.
This year has been a perpetual anxiety attack. 2014 the worst year yet and I’m hoping the worst all together so things can improve.

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