Do not erase me.

This quote made me feel so many things. It may or may not have made me cry shhh.
I will never stop coming out. I am tired like so many other bisexual/queer/pansexual individuals of my identity being erased. Being queer is who I am and who I’ll always be. If I’m in a relationship with a man I am still not straight. If I am in a relationship with a woman I’m not suddenly a lesbian. Please stop erasing us. We exist. This is who I am.
I have to deal with these prejudices too growing up is so hard when everyone is judgmental around you. My heart goes out to everyone else that grew up in the lgbtqa community.
We need to keep working towards making safe spaces and supporting each other. ❤️

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There is good.

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Focus on the good even when everything has seemingly gone to shit. You’ll look back and laugh.
Even when people are rude to me in pubic even when they yell things at me when I get out of the car. I’d rather be hated for who I am and I’m trying not to let that negativity get to me because I know it has nothing to do with me really.

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To be honest.

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I hate that I can’t be normal sometimes. I don’t like to stand out but I must be true to myself. I’m tired of being belittled but I suppose it comes with the territory of being genuine. And I actually like that about myself. Maybe I come off as rude sometimes but I’m honest and I wouldn’t change that about myself.
I’m trying to be better with being honest with my feelings. I’ve never been one to open up so it’s very difficult for me.
I’ve been through so much anxiety and depression that I’m starting to not know what to do next. I’ve tried everything and it still feels like my heart is being squeezed.
If I’m ever only depressed I feel relieved because feeling nothing is better than feeling everything sometimes. The anxiety makes me so afraid, I have a nightmare almost every time I sleep.
I’ve had so many set backs this year that I feel like the road to recovery is just getting longer.
This year has been a perpetual anxiety attack. 2014 the worst year yet and I’m hoping the worst all together so things can improve.

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Gratitude.

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I’m grateful to have my lights and tree up. I’m grateful for my fiancé. I’m grateful I have food and water. I’m grateful to be munching on candy. I’m grateful to be focusing on being mentally well. I’m grateful to be able to spend time with puppies. I’m grateful when baths calm me down. Grateful to have someone that takes me seriously.
I intend to take deep breaths. I intend to trust myself. I intend to listen to myself. I intend to keep myself hydrated and fed.
I am a babe. I am an inspiration. I am effecting this world positively. I am stronger than I ever knew.
I love my pretty spider lights. I love watching fun shows. I love the cool weather. I love listening to rain sounds when I have a headache. I love dogs. I love my rat ghastly. I love soy egg nog. I love pumpkin pie. I love my pumpkin candles. I love dreaming up new plans.
Wouldn’t it be nice to believe in myself. Wouldn’t it be nice to think highly of myself and not pressure myself. Wouldn’t it be nice to not care what people think of me.

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It’s about now.

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I can’t believe how far I’ve come. I seriously wanted to die so bad it was so hard to just stay alive this long.
I’m done with self loathing I’m too wonderful for that. Everyone can see what an amazing person I am but me, it’s time I see it too. The problem is my expectations for myself, I’m so hard on myself.
Life isn’t about always being a success. It’s not about always being on. It’s not about how many things you can do in one day.
It’s only about experiencing this moment. It’s about finding something you enjoy, it’s about letting yourself actually enjoy it.

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Finally.

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Grateful things are finally starting to improve. Grateful I got to wander around a dark cornmaze.
I intend to not pressure myself. I intend to listen to my body and not push myself. I intend to work through things and care for myself.
I am killing it. I am proud of myself.
Wouldn’t it be nice if things were organized. Wouldn’t it be nice if I got a big burrito. Wouldn’t it be nice if I didn’t care. Wouldn’t it be nice if I took care of myself. Wouldn’t it be nice if there was something to look forward to.
I love October. I love Halloween. I love snow. I love changing dying leaves.
I’ve had to get through some shit lately. Lots has made progress so difficult and almost impossible.
It’s hard to get help when no one takes you seriously.
It’s hard to take care of myself when I get laughed in my face for trying.
I will take care of myself. Being guarded isn’t a bad thing.
Never compare yourself to others.
You are doing amazing at your own pace. You have different trials and it’s okay to be at this place now.
It’s okay to be damaged. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to go at your own speed.
I am hoping and I do believe this will have been the worst year of my life. It can only get better from here.

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Perfect.

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Life is perfect right now. I’m realizing how good it has become. I love going on long walks. It’s my favorite thing about life right now. I can have long conversations and the weather is getting cooler. It’s so exciting because it let’s me know summer is ending and fall is coming!
Life is taking care of me and whatever happens is what is best. I’m excited and hopeful for what’s coming next. What is is perfect.
Today I choose to work on my stress levels with controlled breathing. My chest pains have been so bad lately that it’s a pretty good indicator that I need to focus more on self care and how I’m doing mentally.

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