Short story about depression. 

Staring at the screen searching for distraction. Something interesting. Phone dies. Sets it on stomach. Looks up at ceiling. Turns to side. Looks at clock. An hour and a half? I’ve been staring at the ceiling for 20 min tops. Maybe I fell asleep. Body starts to ache from laying. Hungry. Thirsty I need to pee. Please move body. You can do it. Like a leg maybe. Okay cool you twitched. Awesome look at yo mind control havin ass I’m so proud baby. Turn on to back. Ah this is nice. Fall asleep for 3 hours. Groggy. Dizzy. Stand up. Oops not gonna pass out we good. Pee. Not another UTI please. Dehydrated. Start beating self up for not drinking enough water. Get down on self for not eating. Go look for food. Nothing readily available. Back to bed. No I have to eat. I’m a human and I need it to survive. There’s an orange in here. No it’s old. I’m fine. You just blacked out in the bathroom you aren’t fine. I can hold off for a little bit. Been laying for a couple hours still no desire to feed myself. I can see the air. The molecules and energy. It’s nice. It’s dense in this room. Frantically start cleaning because the messes make a twitch go off in your brain that you can’t turn off until it’s all clean. Being as productive as I can. My music stops. Immediate response is to dissociate. Catch myself staring at one spot. Stop, this won’t result in anything. Get yo ass up. Turn music back on. Brain feels safe again. 

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Wrote this back in September. Reminders are important with depression or other mental illnesses. Take care of yourself. It’s different for everyone and these don’t always help but it’s worth a try. 🙂

Things that help:Cleaning. Getting things done. Fruit. Veg. Plant based. Vitamins. Walks. Workout. Sleep. Shower. Makeup. Tedious tasks. Coloring. puzzles. Getting up early. Sleeping at night. cartoons. Music. Dancing and singing. Looking cute.

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Love. Friends. Life. 

Life is so good lately. I’m so happy and thankful. I have lots of love to give but I can finally give it to worthy people and those people are my friends and myself. I’m so thankful I’m not weighed down by a terrible relationship. I am free and light and have so much love in my life still. I know I have many areas to work on still. I’ve honestly been doing better with my mental illness. I haven’t had an outburst in a long while. I know those come with anxiety and stress for me. While anxiety is constant I’m trying to separate myself from stressing about things. Try to solve problems instead of worry over them. It’s harder than it sounds. I’m open to receiving. Every day is such an adventure. Damn. I’m savoring all this good stuff. Screenshotting when people say they care so I don’t forget and tell myself no one does. I still need to push myself harder but positive influences sure do help. Love you all. 

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She is the love of my life, a dream come true. I’m so lucky to have you in my life yuki. I’m getting so excited for cooler weather. Autumn is the best. Poetry, antique shops, big cups of tea and big sweaters. I’ve been pushing myself lately and trying to step out of my comfort zone. Being social is way more exhausting than I remember. Gotta take it slow. I don’t need to talk to people everyday just work. The load doesn’t seem so heavy today I think I’m getting better at carrying it. 

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Last few years. 

Last time I made a post like this was June 2013 and so much has changed. It feels as if everything fell apart since then so I’m going to try to recall the ways things have improved or I’ve what learned. In the past 3 years I’ve done so many brave things that surprised myself. I’ve overcome so many things that almost killed me but I’m still here, still fighting. Husband, dog, home, money all left me. I fell in love. I had my heart broken. Made regrettable decisions because my mind was in a bad place. Almost killed myself. Survived an emotionally abusive relationship. Worked at a fabric store. My comfort zone evaporated so I had to go above and beyond. I’m astonished by all the shit I went through. I traveled to Michigan. Flying alone always makes me very anxious so I’m proud of myself. I love seeing new places. I think I’ve improved my makeup skills. I’ve worked on some art pieces. Regained some of my self worth. Reconnected with old friends after isolating myself for so long. I know I helped a couple people along the way but things like that are harder to remember. Sweetness is so easy to forget. It’s not as loud as cruelty. Many people tried to beat me down but I still rose up. I’ve been a good dog mom. Discovered I have borderline personality disorder. Been learning a lot about it trying to improve myself and not fall into habits that come naturally to me. I don’t want it but learning these things has explained so much and had helped me understand why I haven’t felt normal or like I can ever measure up. 

If I’ve learned nothing else in the past few years, I’ve definitely learned how powerful and resilient I am. I learned I won’t go down without a fight even through special obstacles I will triumph.  

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Dear K. 

Dear K,
It’s worth a try to push yourself to the limit right now. I know you are trying so hard but things aren’t getting better. It’s your responsibility to change this. You know how much can change in a short time so hold out a little longer. 

Dude I know you. I know you became the person you wished for when you were younger. Little me would think you are so cool. 

You are brave af. Sometimes your courage is buried under all your anxieties. I think I have to live with that but don’t forget what’s underneath. I know who you are under that and that person is courageous. That person has survived and fought the battle with their mind everyday. That person is loving and kind, a fighter. Still soft when the world tries to harden you. I don’t want you to give up yet. It’s not about being all better and a success right now. It’s about baby steps and one more good thing every day. Only you know what will be best even if it’s the hard choice. Recovery is long but it’s not in vain even if your brain tells you that repeatedly. So what if you self harmed just be kinder to your body because it’s trying to take care of you. Even when your head wants to put you in the ground. 

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I’ve barely been existing. 

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