I’m back. 

   
  
   

The past two years I’ve experienced more pain than I ever thought possible. But lately I’ve been able to feel moments of happiness and I’m so grateful for this because I was beginning to think I would never actually feel that again. I’ve been painting again and I’m finally feeling like I’m getting me back. 

Grateful to feel love again. Grateful to not be numb all the time. Grateful to understand my BPD even though I don’t like having it. Grateful for smoothies. Grateful we made our bills all on time this month. Grateful to watch someone I love play video games even when they are miles away. Grateful for deadpool. Grateful my partner is making progress on self improvement and getting a handle on his add. Everyday I’m so grateful for my partners and the support and love they show me everyday. Grateful for so upcoming dates that I’m both nervous and excited for. Grateful when my pup nuzzles me and doesn’t bark. Grateful for people showing me understanding and love this week. Grateful for polyam fams. ❤️

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Helpful things. 

Meditation will help. Give it a try. Mindfulness and being here and now. Something I learned in art class in high school was: keep it simple stupid. (K.i.s.s.) 

It was in relation to art but we can relate it to life and our mind. 

Too much makes us feel like we are drowning. We are just visiting, passing through, experiencing what life is about. You don’t have to understand it. 

Look how good it is right now. Take one step at a time don’t overwhelm yourself. 

Man sitting in chair. 

Woman reading computer screen. 

Person writing this post on their phone while puppy snoozes on the floor. 

In the deep smog of depression these things won’t help but if you do tiny things to help yourself and find what works it can make things a little better. And if not there are always more options. Even dying is an option but I think we have some shit to do first. 😉

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Loveonly. 

  Picture from @galadarling on Instagram. 

Learn always. Self improvement. Love. If it’s not backed 100% by love don’t do it. 

No need to over complicate things. 

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I’m all I’ve got. 

 So grateful for yuki. She is always taking care of me and looking after me better than any human could. I love her more each day. 
    

Grateful: gossip girl, Valentine’s Day, having Harry Potter read to me in bed, loving my chubbiness, “I am chuck bass”, cute yaoi anime, rewatching stuff from my past, old sketchbooks, having my own Netflix, realizing all of my heroes have unconventional jobs so I shouldn’t let people get me down about not making money right now. I know exactly what I want so stop demeaning me. 

  
  My sweet ghastly passed away. I love her so much she was the best rat ever. Thanks for being part of my life darling, rest in peace.  
It’s been weird lately but I’m glad I’m so committed to taking care of myself and stepping away from my self destructive ways. I’ve been focusing on taking care of my bpd, depression, anxiety in healthy ways. I’m glad I’m thinking of and loving myself more lately. I think I need this time to motivate myself and my own growth as an individual. 

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Snow and baths. 

   
    
    
   
I love the snow so much. Baths are how I’m coping these days. It’s not been good and I’m fighting each day to survive. 

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Challenge. 

   I decided to do this challenge but won’t be posting it all on Instagram. You guys can! I got it from @galadarling so feel free to participate.   

First was a selfie. Since I didn’t take one Jan 1st it’s from the night before❤

   
Day 2 is my big dream. This year my dream is to build my portfolio and research to come closer to my goal. I also want to one day contribute in some way to a cartoon. I want to make some steps to get closer to visit Japan. 

  
Day 3 tarot card. My friend did a reading for me in honor of the new year. She sent along descriptions and I’m so grateful to her for doing that. It was so insightful and eye opening. 

I’ll keep updating on this challenge. If you’d like to follow my Instagram it’s rin_lollipop 

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Hungry like a wolf. 

  The intensity of your eyes offset by the calm pale pink of your hair. You put on makeup like war paint and breathe your lungs raw. When you love your claws sink deepest. You don’t let people close enough to hurt you, they have to earn their keep. They need to prove themselves. Jump through fire and withstand the storms just to have you around. 

When an outsider approaches your loved ones you bristle with fierce protection. You fight through the open wound in your chest and let it burn a hole through all your shirts. 

You swiftly move through the crowd as if a ghost. A floating rain cloud made of daggers. Once someone has the privilege of meeting your gaze you pull them in with with a menacing grin. Only kindness lingers around your upturned lips but it’s not as visible to the untrained eye. On the outside you may seem cold and untouchable and maybe that’s exactly how you want it. This coldness protects others and yourself from getting burned from the fiery pits below the surface. The frost bite runs through your vines so no one would ever see those flames unless they fought. 

You may have demonic sharp edges but beneath all that lays magic. Magic that shines from beneath your skin like frost. You take pride in your battle scars and busted up lip because you know you won’t leave without a fight. 

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