It’s about now.

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I can’t believe how far I’ve come. I seriously wanted to die so bad it was so hard to just stay alive this long.
I’m done with self loathing I’m too wonderful for that. Everyone can see what an amazing person I am but me, it’s time I see it too. The problem is my expectations for myself, I’m so hard on myself.
Life isn’t about always being a success. It’s not about always being on. It’s not about how many things you can do in one day.
It’s only about experiencing this moment. It’s about finding something you enjoy, it’s about letting yourself actually enjoy it.

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Finally.

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Grateful things are finally starting to improve. Grateful I got to wander around a dark cornmaze.
I intend to not pressure myself. I intend to listen to my body and not push myself. I intend to work through things and care for myself.
I am killing it. I am proud of myself.
Wouldn’t it be nice if things were organized. Wouldn’t it be nice if I got a big burrito. Wouldn’t it be nice if I didn’t care. Wouldn’t it be nice if I took care of myself. Wouldn’t it be nice if there was something to look forward to.
I love October. I love Halloween. I love snow. I love changing dying leaves.
I’ve had to get through some shit lately. Lots has made progress so difficult and almost impossible.
It’s hard to get help when no one takes you seriously.
It’s hard to take care of myself when I get laughed in my face for trying.
I will take care of myself. Being guarded isn’t a bad thing.
Never compare yourself to others.
You are doing amazing at your own pace. You have different trials and it’s okay to be at this place now.
It’s okay to be damaged. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to go at your own speed.
I am hoping and I do believe this will have been the worst year of my life. It can only get better from here.

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Perfect.

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Life is perfect right now. I’m realizing how good it has become. I love going on long walks. It’s my favorite thing about life right now. I can have long conversations and the weather is getting cooler. It’s so exciting because it let’s me know summer is ending and fall is coming!
Life is taking care of me and whatever happens is what is best. I’m excited and hopeful for what’s coming next. What is is perfect.
Today I choose to work on my stress levels with controlled breathing. My chest pains have been so bad lately that it’s a pretty good indicator that I need to focus more on self care and how I’m doing mentally.

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We made it.

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I love myself.
I am stepping out of the cycle. No more self loathing. I’m doing good considering.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are doing things everyday you have a happy life. There’s no reason to stress. Life is taking care of you. You get down on yourself because you aren’t doing enough but what is enough? Look at all you do.
Look around, this is exactly what you wanted. You created this. I’m so proud of you. Your dreams are coming true. And you don’t need to do a million things in a day to be accomplished you just have to be at peace with how it is. It is so good.

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Update.

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Been having very frequent panic attacks and have avoided all responsibility. I feel like my anxiety is turning me into a bad friend and unreliable. I wish I had direction. I tried to turn things around but I guess the universe had other plans.

Grateful I got to be a bridesmaid at my best friends beautiful wedding. Grateful I got to hold my childhood friends two babies. Grateful I get to watch Pokemon and eat snacks with my boyfriend. Grateful he takes such good care of me and calms me down when I have attacks. Grateful he cooks for me and watches movies with me. Grateful to wake up next to you and see your smile everyday.
I just want to run away. I just want something good to come. I need to not depend on anyone else. I can do this.

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Change.

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I’m working really hard to make things happen in the near future. I have to believe those things are coming. I deserve something good.
My depression has been so bad lately I can see it affecting me physically and mentally but I can’t escape it. So I’m seeking help and I really hope something will change. I know it won’t magically go away but after 14 years of trying to do it myself I think it’s time I got help. Thank you to those who have been supportive. Wish me luck.

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Lovethelifewelive.

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Grateful: I got the chance to see maleficent opening day with my two favorite people. I got to see my best friend before she moved away. I got to see Xmen.
It’s a miracle I’m alive. We made it. All of that really doesn’t matter.
Wounds do heal. Don’t forget that. Sometimes the pain stays so vividly you forget healing is possible.
You are doing it.
Can you believe how lucky we are?
We live the life we love. We love the life we live.

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